I know we've all been there. Some of us are there right now. I'm talking about that moment when the concept of fine suddenly shifts unexpectedly, and all of a sudden you find yourself fantasizing about punching someone in the face. I call this phenomenon "Seeing Red." Once I "see red" there is not a lot that can talk me off my rage box. I have passed the point of rational thought, and I find it hard to even communicate rationally. My anger cap has exploded off and some of the sentences I am screaming are just a list of all the cuss words I know. The desire to act becomes almost overpowering, especially for a former fighter like myself. But never fear! I have a list of things that might help you overcome the impulse to go tribal on a salesclerk.
1. The Warning - Say something to make the other person know that you're angry, but DON'T overdo it. Don't cut too deep with this jab. Just one sentence to let them know you're upset. Try to steer away from involving their family, weight, religious beliefs, financial standing, etc. This way, if it does escalate, at least you gave them a warning to back off.
Good Example:
Betty: "You're house is always so gross. Don't you believe in cleaning?"
You (change your tone to ANGRY and look in the eye to make your point): "I've never seen your ass with a sponge!"
Bad Example:
Betty: "You're house is always so gross. Don't you believe in cleaning?"
You (change your tone to ANGRY and look in the eye to make your point): "You need to scurry back to your deadbeat husband and have him knock some sense into you for saying shit like that to me!!!"
2. The Distance - After you've said your peace, put some distance between you and that person IMMEDIATELY. Walk away right after you jab back. If they're alone with you in your house, make up an excuse for them to leave. If you're in a group, break away and hang out with the other members of the group. If you're in a car with them, make a point that you just want to listen to the music for awhile in silence (if they didn't already know to shut up). If you linger, they might jab back, and then they'll really be no stopping the ass whooping. Also, the longer you have to be in their presence, the longer your brain has to wander and escalate their comment in your mind, and the madder you'll get.
3. The Rant - Once you've removed yourself from the situation, you are free to rant about it to your friends. Talking to them really helps. And to all you best friends out there: Now is not the time to insert reason into the conversation. That is for later. Your job is to LISTEN and AGREE, especially so soon after the incident. When a couple of days go by, you are free to insert honesty or pleas for the culprit in this manner: "Stacy, I get it, that would've pissed me off too, but she's just one of those people that doesn't think before she speaks. She makes comments when she shouldn't. Not worth losing sleep over."
4. Burying the hatchet - for much later after the incident (at least a week) - this step is optional: If you feel so inclined, you can confront the person with a clearer mind and voice your wrongs. This only helps if you are forced to continue to be around this person - like in a work environment or in a circle of friends. Staying mad helped no one EVER. You may never like this person, but you might as well let it go. Also, this gives you a great opportunity to keep this from happening ever again. Once they know why you're so pissed, they can avoid making such comments in the future. Unless the wrongdoer can't be reasoned with, in which case, write them off. Just don't let if affect your relationships with others.
Good Example:
You: "Listen Betty, I'm sorry I almost lost my shit on you. I know you don't know me very well, but when people make comments like, "Don't you believe in cleaning?" I see Red. I know you were probably joking and all, but Homie don't play about that." Then laugh.
Bad Example:
You: "Listen Betty, I'm sorry I almost lost my shit on you, but you should know better than to say that shit to me. You will wind up in a body bag if I ever hear that again, and the police will have to call your parents to identity your ass."
I have had success with these methods for getting out of the "Red," and I hope that you find them useful too. Maybe I can help keep you out of jail.
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